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Things I Fail At

I like naming the things I fail at. Not because I'm some kind of freak (well, perhaps I am), but because I think it's important to realize we can't do everything. And because if it's something we can improve at doing, we have to realize first that we NEED to improve. So, without further ado, here's my list of things I fail at doing: 

  • Whistling - I cannot whistle. I know HOW to do it, but I cannot do it. 
  • All-nighters. I used to be able to do this in high school. In college, the longest I made it was til 5 a.m. and that was only once. I need my sleep. 
  • Catching a ball in sports. I tried. I trained. But that fast moving object flying at my head.sends me into self-preservation mode. AKA fetal position.
  • Catching ladybugs. Actually, being around ladybugs. I have a phobia, and I can't deal with them. 
  • Reaching above an octave on the piano. I have tiny baby hands and it took all kinds of training and stretching to get an octave. 
  • Advanced math. I tried, honestly I did. But anything past long division I've long forgotten. I look at combinations of numbers and letters and think, "What are this?"
  • Parallel parking. I did it in my drivers test -- one time -- and that was the end of that.
  • Oh, speaking of driving, I failed my drivers license test 2 times before finally passing. 
  • Singing. Oh, I can stay on key. I am musically inclined and can even pick out harmonies. But I cannot sing well. I can't project. My vocal chords strain and my voice begins to crack. Singing in front of people is out of the question. Especially solo. Nope. 
  • Opening packages. "Open here" is a joke. That tiny slit that you are supposed to tear? BOOM. That is the sound of a package exploding all over the floor. I rip into boxes like Hulk would. My husband is the official "opener" in our house. I can't do it. 
  • Coloring in the lines. Writing in a straight line without a guide. Basically anything to do with lines.
  • Taking off my makeup at night. I don't do it. I should, but I don't.
  • Being meticulous. I think the kitchen looks clean. But guess what I forgot about? That cooked-on food on the stove, the spill on the floor, the papers on the counter, the streaks on the dishwasher, etc. 
  • Being witty. Seinfeld is one of my favorite shows. Probably because I enjoy the humor that just seems to come to them all. But myself? I get a good come-back about once a year. Other than that, I got nothin'. If you make fun of me in jest, I will probably just say, "Yeah, well...." and look away.
  • Gracefulness. Whatever gracefulness is, I am the opposite. I fall, walk into door frames, shut my hand in drawers, and generally trip through life. 
  • Running in a straight line in video games. I'm the one who falls off bridges all the time. Thank goodness for "invisible" walls that you can't get past. They've saved me so many times.
  • Underwater level in Mario. Curse you, stupid fish! 
  • Finishing Gulliver's Travels. I despise that book and will not finish it. 
  • Penmanship. If you want something to be written in beautiful handwriting, ask my sisters. Since k-4 I've done horribly in penmanship and to this day, I'm just glad my work involves more typing than writing.
  • Avoiding cactus fiascoes. Two or three times in my life, I've had tiny, almost invisible cactus needles removed from my feet and hands with a magnifying glass and tweezers. 
  • Leaving my hair in its natural state. It's basically an addiction. I love dyeing my hair. 
  • As for my small toes, they both basically have no nail. Pedicurists always give me "the look." 
  • Keeping it together during Star Wars. I can't help myself. I always cry at the end of episode 6.
  • Not quoting Family Guy Star Wars during the real Star Wars. Sorry, Jeremy.
  • Accepting the new Star Trek timeline as valid. But... SPOCK'S MOM!!! I will have tantrums about this. Moving on...
  • Letting my nails grow. BITE.
  • Putting on lip gloss or chapstick. It's the finishing touch to any makeup routine, and I always forget. I'll have great smoky eyes and no lip color whatsoever. 
  • Being a people-person. I like people just fine. I can be friendly. But then I very much like to be alone.
  • Being a kids-person. If I like your kids, you know who you are. Other than that, arms-length please. And no large groups.
  • Standing up for myself. If you hurt my family or friend, I will intervene at once, but I'll just sit there and take it if it's against myself.
  • Calling customer service. I'd rather email the company and wait weeks for a reply. And I suck at asking for reimbursement for a problem. That's Jeremy's job. It makes me want to cry.
  • Keeping up with current music. I have no idea who sings what anymore. Something about twerking? I like Billy Joel. ("What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing?")
That's all for now, folks! Maybe I'll do a part 2 if I think of some more. There are plenty to choose from!


  1. After reading these, I am very much sure that we need to become better friends. We could fall off video game bridges, be anti-social and dye our hair together.


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