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I Fail At Staying Composed While Playing Video Games

I love playing video games -- well, many video games, not all (cough, Gears of War, cough) -- but I tend to take them personally. I consider it a personal achievement when I beat a boss. Like, I am a better person for it. And if I fail, I fail at life.

My first video games that I remember were Mario Bros for NES, Link's Awakening and Donkey Kong for the original Gameboy, and then for computer, Commander Keen and original Duke Nukem.


I once peed in my pants because I refused to get up from fighting the boss in Duke Nukem to go to the bathroom. There was no pause!

I remember beating Twilight Princess (a Legend of Zelda game) around 3 a.m. one weekend many years ago and yelling in triumph! You really shouldn't yell at 3 a.m. when you're not the only person in the house.

I play League of Legends, but never solo queue (when you just jump into a random game with other people you don't know). I only play premades, and usually that consists of four family members plus me. Occasionally we'll play with friends instead, but I refuse to play with more than one or maaaaaybe two strangers. Here's why.

A few years ago I got the idea to solo queue in a 3 vs. 3 game of League of Legends. I was trying out a character I hadn't played much. I got matched with two teammates and the game started. I didn't think I did horribly, but obviously being new to the character I wasn't awesome. One of my teammates disagreed. In game, you can chat with others in the game by typing in a chat area that's visible to all 6 players. He said something about my sucking at the game and being horrible, blah blah blah.

I was already super nervous about playing solo queue, so this pushed me over the edge. I'm a sensitive person and take things way too personally, so his dumb comments plus my anxiety made me so angry, and then I called him something I shouldn't have in chat and logged off in true temper tantrum style.

And then I felt bad for saying what I had said because honestly, the player was probably a 10 year old kid.

So here I am, anxious, angry, crying, guilt-ridden:  a complete mess. A 20-something woman emotionally torn asunder by a child. Jeremy was just staring at me and, I'm sure, trying not to laugh.

It was laugh worthy.

And this, friends, is why I don't solo queue anymore.




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My disclaimer for all the things below is this: I am not perfect. This is meant to show a before/after comparison but not to say that I have anything figured out.

Second disclaimer: This post is going to sound completely loco to some of you. That's ok. You might completely get what I'm saying, you might understand parts but not others, or you might not agree with anything I say! You're welcome to pass on reading this, of course, but if you do choose to read it, understand that I'm coming from the perspective of being a believer in Jesus and also that this is a retrospective on something major that happened years ago. Time so often gives you a perspective that you don't have at the beginning. Also please know that it took a lot of working myself up to write this because I'm a very private person and tend to not share this type of thing publicly, so please be gentle with your responses. =)


1. Empathy.
This is somethi…