Being Fully Present and Other Things

I haven't blogged here in a long time. Why? Well, a couple of reasons. One, I have been busy and tired. Like, more tired than I think I've ever been. Not an "I stayed up too late" kind of tired but an ongoing state of being low on fuel kind of tired. Not that I'm complaining. On the contrary, I have more joy than ever. But, you know, the kind of joy that's messy and tired and running around like a crazy person... that kind of joy! =)  Here's my stream-of-consciousness update of what's been going on.

We recently welcomed our second little one to the family: Sebastian Kai. Sebastian is a name we've always liked, and "Bastian" is the main character from The Neverending Story. Also, "Bast" is my favorite character from The Kingkiller Chronicles (he's a fae, and he's -- forgive my language -- badass). Alice and Sebastian -- both our kids have literary first names. Kai is also a name from a book series we both love (The Blood of Kerensky trilogy of the Battletech series) and it is also a name that's prevalent in a lot of Asian cultures. It means "ocean" and "strength."

Anyway, what else? I've been reading the 15-book-long Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan (and Brandon Sanderson), and I love it! I'm in book 8 right now. A few years ago I decided that as a Sci-Fi and fantasy fan, I needed to read some of the staples, so I have read the Mistborn series (Sanderson), The Dark Tower series (King), and now the Wheel of Time series. My to-read stack is so big, but reading is one of my favorite things. I vividly remember that in junior high, it was one of those things that didn't exactly improve my super-nerd status, but I'm sooo thankful I didn't give up reading. Alice loves reading, and I hope she always does. It opens your mind, your heart, and your eyes to a thousand other people, places, and ideas. Reading teaches empathy, challenges what you think you know, improves your vocabulary, and makes you a better conversationalist and debate partner. And don't get my started on the merits of reading fantasy and mythology. I have plenty to say on that subject. (And so did C.S. Lewis -- check out Of Other Worlds by him if you want a good, short read on the topic).

But this is a blog about failures, right? I'm not one to sugarcoat anything. If you've been around me for even a little while, you know that I'm pretty straightforward. I don't pretend to have it all together. I don't do crossfit, my brown sugar has expired because I never bake treats, I'm on my second cup of coffee, I haven't showered today, and the laundry tends to sit in the basket to be folded for, oh, several days on average. I'm not sentimental, and half the time I have no idea what I'm doing. Thankfully, Jeremy is the balance in our home. We are so imperfect, but we are perfect for each other. When I leave a trail of chaos, he calmly walks behind me and picks up the pieces (literally, like books on the floor and the baby bath in the kitchen sink). He has changed all the nighttime diapers for our kids for most of their baby phase. When I'm lazy and want to stay home and not talk to anyone, he suggests we get out of the house and have some fun. Or we watch an anime. Just hanging out with each other is good for us.

My personal goal during this phase of life is something I struggle with (a lot!). Being fully present in each moment. I so want to get on with the next phase, regardless of where I am. I can't wait til my newborn is more interactive and can sit, crawl, walk, talk, etc. I look forward to completing another home project, finishing a book, going to an event in the fall (it's currently April). I am eager for each next phase, and I tend to forget to enjoy the one I'm in. I know that I'll blink and Bastian will be 2 years old and Alice will be in school. I don't want to miss out on the moment. When I'm tired, and nursing (again), and the laundry is piled up, and nothing is clean, and supper isn't ready... even in that moment, I want to be present and joyful, if not necessarily thrilled about all those things. I can still be fully present, for my sake as well as my family's. So what if we eat at 7? So what if it's takeout? So what if my life right now is crazy?

Hi, I'm Laura. I'm a working mom of two, wife of a hardworking and awesome husband. My "workout" is running around like a crazy person, I use disposable diapers, supplement my baby's milk with formula, don't clip coupons, don't bake cookies, let my daughter watch tv -- Pokemon, Mickey Mouse, Teen Titans Go, etc -- probably too much, and I bend or break most of the parenting "rules."

BUT, I know those things don't define me. I know my identity is in Christ's saving grace; my very nature means I fall short of being perfect without Him, and I have peace in that. I also make some good Thai food, teach my kids about books and types of flowers, and they know I love them. I believe unborn lives matter, black lives matter, refugee lives matter, and the life of the person who can't afford health care matters. I recognize my privilege has granted me opportunities (and allows me to have opinions about things) that many others can't afford to have, and yet I so often shamefully neglect those people. I am pro-Net Neutrality but realize we're in a mess and need better answers -- and better congressmen. I like Creedence Clearwater Revival, hate love ballads, and would rather watch Star Trek than just about anything else.

And I'm learning to be fully present. Utter failure? Maybe. But I'm learning and growing, and I wouldn't change a thing.