Choosing To Lift Up My Eyes

The past few weeks have been crazy! I haven’t blogged mainly because I just haven’t had time or energy to do it. I’ve been exhausted. 

We went to DragonCon, which was a blast, but I had been having stomach pain for a few weeks off and on and had that kind of in the background. We got back in town and had to take Bastian for a quick ear check because he’s fighting a cold. I also got the cold. And then our water heater and dryer decided they would also be calling in sick. 

Our wonderful kind friends helped us with drying clothes and warm showers/baths, which was such a gift. And both appliances were fixable, which saved us so much money. So glad Jeremy is good at fixing things! I mentioned in a Facebook post that when things break, I tend to throw in the towel. “Oh well, guess we’ll have to buy a new one. And remodel the house while we’re at it!” Jeremy just makes a trip to Home Depot, gets out his drill, and goes to work. 

Anyway, that was the weekend after Labor Day. Then the next week hit. My grandpa had a major surgery on the 11th. My dad was going in for a heart cath also on the 11th, but because they found a 90% blockage, they decided to do open heart surgery instead. That surgery took place on the 12th (and was successful).

We also had Bastian’s ENT appointment on the 11th. He’s had pretty frequent ear infections -- winter 2018 and spring 2019 were a real bummer --  and they have advised us to go ahead with getting tubes put in his ears. AND I went to the doctor on the 11th (what a daaaaaaay!) and was told that my gallbladder is probably a culprit behind that stomach pain and other issues I’ve been having so I’m in the middle of being tested for that. And that pain was also in the background of all this other stuff going on. 

Jeremy had a septoplasty (deviated septum repair) Friday the 13th (great day for surgery, amirite?). It went well, but because it was so involved, surgery took 3 hours instead of 1 and Jeremy's going to be in recovery mode for a while.

The other thing happening was that, for the past couple months, we've been re-training Bastian on the idea that he can sleep in his own bed all night. Because of being sick, he'd been very clingy so we'd been letting him sleep in our bed if he woke up in the middle of the night. But we had to stop that because our sleep was suffering. The thing is, your sleep also suffers when your little one is upset at night because you won't let him sleep in your bed anymore. So... in the end it's a win, but in the short term, it's definitely a lose-lose. 

I. AM. TIRED.

And you know what? I was anxious with all this going on. But, the Laura I used to be would have just collapsed in a pile of anxiety and turned into a big mess. The early-days-of-fibromyalgia-Laura would Google things and worry and go down a mental spiral that just seemed overwhelming. This Laura kinda wanted to do that, but I didn't. Not that I responded gracefully every moment AT ALL. I did not. I had some pretty hard days. Some days that I got anxious and had to purposefully calm myself. But overall, I prayed for faith to trust, and I tried to let it go at that. Honestly, I had to. That, or just get completely overwhelmed.

I have just been learning so much recently about trust and faith. God has been showing me His faithfulness and steadfastness. That’s a word I love and don’t think gets used enough. Maybe because we are just typically not very steadfast people. After all, what in our lives is steadfast? Jobs? Health? Friends? Anything at all? Not much...

But steadfast… it means “resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering.” Isn’t that an awesome way to describe something? And He has been that to me. A rock where I can stand and be secure. A place to rest when everything is in turmoil. And I would love to be that to other people. A place that's safe and unmoving. Something you can count on.

Our bodies are broken. It’s not the way it was supposed to be. It’s not the “wholeness” that we were meant for. Our minds, bodies, and spirits go through so much… they can become worn down and broken.  I feel this often with fibro-related fatigue and pain. But, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” 

Let me be clear. It’s ok to not be “ok.” We’re human, and when things are wrong or hurting, it is natural and right to be sad about that. To struggle with the “why” of it all. To ask hard questions. (There are some beautiful passages in the Bible that do just that).

In the middle of asking those questions and wrestling with those things, I have known a peace these last few weeks that I can’t attribute to myself or any specific thing that has made me “ok.” No medications or platitudes or proofs that any one thing is going to work out how I hope. But I knew from the time the water heater broke that this was going to be ok because God was going to take care of us, and I was going to get to sit there helplessly (but not hopelessly) and watch Him work things out because there was really nothing else I could do.  And He has.  So through all these things, although there was pain and suffering. Although there was fear and the unknown. Although things aren’t perfect, the way I wish they could be, I can still say with David, the Psalmist:

Psalm 121

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

    where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the Lord,

    the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—

    he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel

    will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord watches over you—

    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,

    nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—

    he will watch over your life;

8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going

    both now and forevermore.

If you’re struggling with the “whys” of life right now, illness, pain, etc, can I recommend The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis to you? There are other resources of course, but that book, which I’ve read many times, has really helped me through some difficult moments.

• *And if you're reading this and know my parents, I'd just ask that you please don't share the health situations I've mentioned here with anyone or on Facebook, and please respect my parents' privacy. This blog is mine, not theirs, and they were kind enough to let me post it.