Negativity, Perspective, and Gratitude

I was driving alone a few weeks ago and talking/praying out loud about some things that I wasn't thrilled about and hoped would change. Vehicles and appliances that needed repair... basically smallish things that just weren't status quo. And in the middle of my conversation, I suddenly had a thought occur to me. Almost like a voice spoke to me.

And what it said was this: "Laura, you are kind of a negative person."

I stopped talking, my mouth wide open. Uh... what? And then I thought about it for a second and just had to smile at that realization. Yeah. Yeah, I am.

I would have always described myself as a pragmatic or realistic person, definitely not overly positive, but not negative. But in the past year, I've been... shall we say, in a funk. Which is a long time to be in a funk. But having my second child and working full-time and also doing all the "mom" things while trying to manage chronic pain and fatigue... that really started to take more of a toll this year as Sebastian went into full-blown energetic toddler mode.

As I got more tired and busy, I let myself start focusing more on negative things. And those might be small things. Little ways in which I felt I was always playing catch-up or dealing with obstacles. Appliances or vehicles in need of repair. Medical bills. Just those little everyday things of life.

Somewhere along the way this past year, I stopped noticing all the things going right, all the beautiful moments. I started focusing on the little things that weren't status quo instead of the many blessings I had.

I stopped purposefully being thankful and started becoming more anxious. I let myself listen to the voices that reminded me of the negative things, blowing them out of proportion and making them seem overwhelming.

"What will go wrong next? What will break? What will I forget or not have time to do? Who'll get sick next? Why is this happening to me? I don't deserve [fill in the blank]."

I remember one day I was bemoaning one of those "I don't deserve..." situations and I was just struck with my own pride. Like, really? YOU don't deserve to deal with this issue? What makes you so great? People all over the world deal with poverty, hunger, sickness, war and desolation, and you are sad because you have to deal with this tiny, truly insignificant thing and you're so offended that you are inconvenienced by it? (The situation I'm talking about truly is objectively a very small thing)

And I just realized I needed to change some things about my perspective. Not just apply some fuzzy "be positive" vibes to my day but REALLY purposefully change my focus from thinking too much about myself and my perceived problems and start practicing gratitude. And really PRACTICING it because it takes work to change your mindset.

I saw this post from someone I enjoy following on Instagram (She wrote and illustrated that Becoming and Beholding book!) and it really helped in challenging myself to do this. And she's a working mother of six, so I guess I can stop worrying about raising two kids!


Now, I am not saying I'm gonna be Pollyanna here. There are real struggles and things that come up that are hard. Our fall was full of one thing after another that demanded our attention and money, and it wasn't fun. We're still not out of the weeds completely. This is not about saying "everything's fine" when it's not or denying when things are difficult.

It is, rather, choosing to focus my heart and mind on what I am thankful for. Finding joy in every day. Deciding to give thanks in everything because every day is a gift and every circumstance gives me an opportunity to change for the better. Yes, I am tired, but I am also so blessed to be where I am in this moment. 

As C.S. Lewis said, these "interruptions" of my life are actually just my life. It's my perception that was wrong.

For me, my anxiety is compounded when I don't have a thankful heart. I can almost always tie those two together.

When I start finding the things to be grateful for, I can feel the anxious thoughts subsiding. Some people say to follow your heart. I don't know about you, but my heart is not that trustworthy. It looks for the easier path, not the one that will shape me and make me more patient and kind.

So, this year is ending on a note that I'm really excited about. Not that everything on my list is "fixed." Actually, quite a few things are still not status quo. Cars, homes, and kids are never just "smooth sailing."

But Jeremy is awesome and the best partner whose strengths and weaknesses balance out with mine. He doesn't get anxious. I don't think he even knows how. He is a rock when I'm frazzled. And our kids' excitement and curiosity continually remind me of the little wonders of life. They are not fazed by a less-than-gourmet dinner (i.e. pancakes) or a less-than-clean living room. They only know that they are loved and life is full of promise. I can learn a lot from them.

I can say right now that my heart is more steadfast (hey - it's my word of the year!) than it wasn't for a lot of this past year. So, thanks to the little voice that told me I was a negative person. It was exactly what I needed to hear =)