How many of you feel guilty when you say “no”? Or do you feel pressured to say “yes” to every offer or request? Or maybe you don’t like saying either, so you give a vague answer like “maybe” and secretly hope you can wiggle out of it later?
It’s hard to set limits, both for ourselves and as we relate to other people. For one thing, we worry about what people will think of us if we tell them we either can’t or choose not to do something. So we say “yes” out of fear/guilt. On the other hand, if you’re a “yes” type and like to volunteer for lots of things, you can feel guilty about what other things take a hit from having to shuffle priorities.
There’s a character in Bleak House named Mrs. Jellyby. While her household runs amok, she fastidiously writes letters related to setting up a mission for a tribe in Africa. Certainly a noble cause. But she ignores the needs around her and her current obligations, even as her children cry from neglect and her husband wears a hole in the wall from leaning his head against it in exasperation. Of course, Mrs. Jellyby is a caricature, but we’ve all seen this -- someone who’s so busy saying “yes” to every request that they ignore what they have already said “yes” to, overcommit, and soon, things start to fall apart. And sadly, it’s often the ones closest to these people who suffer first.
Since I’m a weirdo, I tend to lean the other way. I tend to say “no” more often than I probably should. I am overly cautious about commitments because I don’t like obligations. I also know that the one certain thing in my life is that unexpected things will happen and require my attention -- a sick kid, a broken appliance, etc -- and I won’t have as much time as I think I’ll have. That leads to falling behind on things, rushed deadlines, mistakes… Remember my post on anxiety? That fits well here! My ability to mentally invision a worst-case scenario and put myself there is really impressive.
Part of my saying “no” also has to do with guarding my health and my family. I think that’s a good thing! I know my limits physically. I can’t do everything I want to do, so I have to say no to avoid overextending myself and having pain flare-ups. And I don’t want my family to suffer because I said “yes” to too many things, so I try to always keep that in mind when committing.
But if we’re being honest, I also am selfish. I am! And a little lazy. (Ha) I’d rather stay home in my comfy clothes and drink coffee and watch Battlestar Galactica (again) than go do something I said I would do.
So Jeremy is the type who, as soon as he hears of a need, goes to help. His love language is acts of service and more than once he’s been the reason that we’ve done something to help someone else. He is so good at thinking of ways to help other people. And he’s helped me grow in this area.
More recently, we have started helping out in our church with kids’ activity time as well as agreeing to help with the 3-year-old nursery (help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi…). We don’t really like kids in a general sense, so this is a STRETCH for us both, but it’s been really good for us! So for me, this growth was great in helping me say “yes” in appropriate ways that *do stretch me but don’t overwhelm me.
There are still plenty of things I have to say no to. We both work full-time and of course have all our family commitments. We have also made our faith-related commitments (attending church, meeting regularly with our small group, and the above-mentioned volunteering) a priority. Plus there are the everyday commitments we have like cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, house and car stuff… all the normal stuff we all do.
We also have weekly/bi-weekly DnD night with friends. We’ve taken pauses here and there over the years when kids have been born or a month is particularly crazy, but we try to keep that going! Fun is important =)
In different seasons of life, we are able to take on different things. When we had newborns, we scaled way back. As the kids have gotten older, we have slowly added different things in. Sometimes for a short time, sometimes for a longer time. And I’m still figuring this out.
This blog, for instance. I let it sit forever without a new post when Bastian was under a year old. Any small amount of energy or attention I could spare was needed elsewhere. And that’s fine! When I was able to pick it back up, it was a deliberate decision. And if I have to let it rest again, I will. I also started a “bookstagram” for recommending books I’ve read or am reading.
I have had to decline freelance work, though. I don’t have mental or physical capacity to take on more, even if it meant extra income (For shoes!! Just kidding.) I used to freelance more when I worked with WebMD, but the work combined with my emerging health situation was too much. I was forced to slow down. Everything in its season…
It’s a constant balancing and re-balancing act. What worked last year might not work this year. Actually, what worked last week might not work this week. So, we take it one day at a time and continue to learn to roll with it! And above all, we try not to compare. If I let myself compare what I do to what others do, I will definitely just be discouraged.
So I’d love to know from you -- do you tend to over- or under-commit? In what ways have you grown or changed? Leave me a comment!
It’s hard to set limits, both for ourselves and as we relate to other people. For one thing, we worry about what people will think of us if we tell them we either can’t or choose not to do something. So we say “yes” out of fear/guilt. On the other hand, if you’re a “yes” type and like to volunteer for lots of things, you can feel guilty about what other things take a hit from having to shuffle priorities.
Since I’m a weirdo, I tend to lean the other way. I tend to say “no” more often than I probably should. I am overly cautious about commitments because I don’t like obligations. I also know that the one certain thing in my life is that unexpected things will happen and require my attention -- a sick kid, a broken appliance, etc -- and I won’t have as much time as I think I’ll have. That leads to falling behind on things, rushed deadlines, mistakes… Remember my post on anxiety? That fits well here! My ability to mentally invision a worst-case scenario and put myself there is really impressive.Part of my saying “no” also has to do with guarding my health and my family. I think that’s a good thing! I know my limits physically. I can’t do everything I want to do, so I have to say no to avoid overextending myself and having pain flare-ups. And I don’t want my family to suffer because I said “yes” to too many things, so I try to always keep that in mind when committing.
But if we’re being honest, I also am selfish. I am! And a little lazy. (Ha) I’d rather stay home in my comfy clothes and drink coffee and watch Battlestar Galactica (again) than go do something I said I would do.So Jeremy is the type who, as soon as he hears of a need, goes to help. His love language is acts of service and more than once he’s been the reason that we’ve done something to help someone else. He is so good at thinking of ways to help other people. And he’s helped me grow in this area.
More recently, we have started helping out in our church with kids’ activity time as well as agreeing to help with the 3-year-old nursery (help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi…). We don’t really like kids in a general sense, so this is a STRETCH for us both, but it’s been really good for us! So for me, this growth was great in helping me say “yes” in appropriate ways that *do stretch me but don’t overwhelm me.
There are still plenty of things I have to say no to. We both work full-time and of course have all our family commitments. We have also made our faith-related commitments (attending church, meeting regularly with our small group, and the above-mentioned volunteering) a priority. Plus there are the everyday commitments we have like cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, house and car stuff… all the normal stuff we all do.
We also have weekly/bi-weekly DnD night with friends. We’ve taken pauses here and there over the years when kids have been born or a month is particularly crazy, but we try to keep that going! Fun is important =)In different seasons of life, we are able to take on different things. When we had newborns, we scaled way back. As the kids have gotten older, we have slowly added different things in. Sometimes for a short time, sometimes for a longer time. And I’m still figuring this out.
This blog, for instance. I let it sit forever without a new post when Bastian was under a year old. Any small amount of energy or attention I could spare was needed elsewhere. And that’s fine! When I was able to pick it back up, it was a deliberate decision. And if I have to let it rest again, I will. I also started a “bookstagram” for recommending books I’ve read or am reading.
It’s a constant balancing and re-balancing act. What worked last year might not work this year. Actually, what worked last week might not work this week. So, we take it one day at a time and continue to learn to roll with it! And above all, we try not to compare. If I let myself compare what I do to what others do, I will definitely just be discouraged.
So I’d love to know from you -- do you tend to over- or under-commit? In what ways have you grown or changed? Leave me a comment!
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