On our 10th anniversary, I thought I'd post a blog about US!
And then one day I was working in the fitness center and this guy comes in that I didn’t remember seeing before. Something that happened was funny (neither of us remember what), but we remember laughing together while he checked in at the desk. And that was the end of that.
Except it wasn’t. Later that week, we saw each other during a meal, and said hi. Jeremy thought, again, that he’d probably never see me again, so as a joke, he introduced himself as Billy. And I was like… um ok. Whatever. And that was that.
Except it wasn’t. We saw each other again at the fitness center. And he had to confess his real name. And then we talked about Star Trek. And that’s how it all started! Just like a movie, right?
After that, things started to move in a more serious direction and I didn’t think I was really ready for that. So Jeremy did the appropriate thing and talked to me face-to-face about things and how he felt. And I did the dumb thing and said “let’s just be friends but stay in touch” and then didn’t stay in touch and accidentally texted Jeremy instead of a friend a message that was ABOUT JEREMY (specifically, not wanting to go to this event thing with him that I’d agreed to).
Then there was summer break and then back to school for my senior year. And at first we kind of saw each other around and hung out with a bigger group of friends, and darn it, I just couldn’t get him out of my head. And being around him reminded me why I liked him to begin with. And then, just as I was starting to go a little crazy about the whole thing, he went back home to Indiana for a long weekend. And we texted the whole time. And I was like… girl, you are gonna have to make a decision, if there’s even a chance that he’s still interested in you.
So he got back to town. I had a night class. And then I texted him to see if he’d meet me after. And I told him I wanted to date him if he still wanted to. And he did =)
People were initially confused by us, mostly because they were assuming a lot of things. I remember one person even thought that I was "changing" him because they said he wore black all the time (No, he didn't...?) and they thought I was going to make him preppy or something. (Which is weird since I wasn't preppy. If anything I really loved to wear PacSun-style clothes.) We got comments from people who thought we just weren't a good match for some reason. Way to be wrong!
Anyway, 10 years into marriage this month and I definitely can say that we love each other more than we did then, and we “get” each other really well. It’s not perfect. We’re super great at getting on each other’s nerves. But something that comes very naturally for us, and always has, is being a team.
We are both VERY independent, strong, stubborn, and kind of cantankerous. But we have ALWAYS thought of ourselves as a team. It’s not his or my time,money, “life,” etc. That goes against the line of thinking that a lot of couples have, and each couple will find their own balance of what works well, but for us, we are and always will be a team. We don’t “allow” each other to do things. We don’t “ask permission.” We don't even think of it like that. We just talk through things and we trust each other. We compromise.
In a recent talk, we realized that in being a very strong “we’re in this together” team, we actually are more independent than if we weren’t, and it lets us be very laid back about a lot of things because we know we have each other’s back.
But there are challenges, right? There always are! We had some spectacular fights early on, even before we got married. It took us forever to really communicate well, especially about things where there was a conflict or disagreement. We had several moments where we had to really decide if we were going to stay in the relationship and commit to it. And we did. But even so, it took a while to really trust each other and work together well as a team.
Of course, there are annoyances too. Jeremy dislikes that I'm always trying to arrive to things 20 minutes early and I dislike being late. He loves action, speed, taking risks, and I enjoy calm, quiet, relaxing things.
Here’s what the website says. (My thoughts on us below it)
Enneagram Ones and Eights bring a common concern with fighting for truth and justice in their world. They both often feel (although in different ways and for different reasons) that it is up to them to stand against whatever they perceive as injustice or falseness. Both can see themselves as gallant crusaders protecting the weak, righting wrongs, and making the world a better place.
In a relationship, these two types are both action-oriented, and if their attention and energy is turned toward social causes in particular, they can have a big effect on their family and their community, perhaps even their country or the world.
Both bring a certain nobility of vision and a focused purpose, practicality, and perseverance in supporting whatever they believe is right. Both are willing to sacrifice a great deal to do what they believe needs to be done. For both, fairness is centrally important. (Ones bring a sense of absolute or ideal truth and justice whereas Eights bring a more practical and immediate approach to these concepts.)
The combination can be very powerful (YES!): they accomplish things with a clear cut sense of purpose and personal mission. Both are decisive and direct, although Eights bring a passion and gusto that counterbalances the One's self-restraint and propriety. Ones can find Eights exciting, physical, and earthy-all the things that they restrain in themselves. Thus, there can be a strong attraction from both sides. Further, Eights recognize that Ones are as strong-willed and determined as they are: they cannot easily sway or bowl over Ones. (Laura note: This is super true for us and something Jeremy liked about me from the very beginning!) Eights thus admire their conviction and are attracted to the challenge of getting closer to Ones.
In many ways, these two types are opposites-the pirate and the schoolteacher-although both could learn a great deal from the other, if they are willing to listen to someone with such different values, reactions, and ways of doing things.
What breaks Ones and Eights up is often the very thing that attracted them in the first place: how different they are from each other, like fire and ice. (Not like Game of Thrones... even in our worst moments we're better than that last season.)
This is a relatively rare romantic pairing 👀 it is easier for them to be friends or colleagues than to live intimately together. Both want to be in charge; both want to accomplish something significant, but they tend to disagree about the means to take. Ones tend to be self-controlled and restrained in their self-expressions and methods of doing things. They will deny themselves the pleasure of acting on their real desires and impulses if they are convinced that something they want is not right according to their moral convictions. While they may admire the brashness and roguishness of Eights and their apparent ease in going after whatever they want, Ones ultimately begin to draw a line if they see Eights going too far in the pursuit of their self-interest...
On the other hand, Eights see Ones as hypocrites who preach one thing publicly while doing the opposite privately. They see Ones as rigid, self-righteous, nitpicking, and utterly unrealistic about the way the world works. (LAURA NOTE: HAHAHAHA!)
Eights often want to do more outrageous things just to provoke the morally judgmental One into apoplexy: both respond with anger before they will acknowledge hurt or fear. They can both get into rigid positions and feel that they cannot back down...
And despite the things we struggle with or get annoyed with each other about, I really think we do this well. One of our close friends once told Jeremy *something like, "Laura is the only person you could ever marry. You two are perfect for each other." And that person wasn't the only one to say that. I definitely agree.
We do pick at each other all the time. But we are *usually careful about that. Of course we don't always hit the mark. But I remember someone telling me once, after they'd gotten to know us well, that when they first met us, they were concerned because they thought we fought all the time. UNTIL they realized we were joking and enjoyed it. And then they got "us"!
I'm thankful for 10 years of being "us" and I'm excited for many more years of annoying him.
How It Happened
Neither of us were really looking to get married. We weren’t against it at all, but we weren’t “aiming” for it. I had ideas about what I was going to do in my early-to-mid twenties and so did Jeremy. We’d both dated some, but nothing was ever a good fit.And then one day I was working in the fitness center and this guy comes in that I didn’t remember seeing before. Something that happened was funny (neither of us remember what), but we remember laughing together while he checked in at the desk. And that was the end of that.Except it wasn’t. Later that week, we saw each other during a meal, and said hi. Jeremy thought, again, that he’d probably never see me again, so as a joke, he introduced himself as Billy. And I was like… um ok. Whatever. And that was that.
Except it wasn’t. We saw each other again at the fitness center. And he had to confess his real name. And then we talked about Star Trek. And that’s how it all started! Just like a movie, right?After that, things started to move in a more serious direction and I didn’t think I was really ready for that. So Jeremy did the appropriate thing and talked to me face-to-face about things and how he felt. And I did the dumb thing and said “let’s just be friends but stay in touch” and then didn’t stay in touch and accidentally texted Jeremy instead of a friend a message that was ABOUT JEREMY (specifically, not wanting to go to this event thing with him that I’d agreed to).
Then there was summer break and then back to school for my senior year. And at first we kind of saw each other around and hung out with a bigger group of friends, and darn it, I just couldn’t get him out of my head. And being around him reminded me why I liked him to begin with. And then, just as I was starting to go a little crazy about the whole thing, he went back home to Indiana for a long weekend. And we texted the whole time. And I was like… girl, you are gonna have to make a decision, if there’s even a chance that he’s still interested in you.
So he got back to town. I had a night class. And then I texted him to see if he’d meet me after. And I told him I wanted to date him if he still wanted to. And he did =)
Being a Team
That was 13 years ago. We actually started dating the night before Halloween (very fitting, if you know us!) and then got married three years later on October 24th, the day Frodo woke up in Rivendell after being attacked by the Witch King. I didn’t plan it that way, but life sometimes does exactly what it’s supposed to do.Anyway, 10 years into marriage this month and I definitely can say that we love each other more than we did then, and we “get” each other really well. It’s not perfect. We’re super great at getting on each other’s nerves. But something that comes very naturally for us, and always has, is being a team.
We are both VERY independent, strong, stubborn, and kind of cantankerous. But we have ALWAYS thought of ourselves as a team. It’s not his or my time,money, “life,” etc. That goes against the line of thinking that a lot of couples have, and each couple will find their own balance of what works well, but for us, we are and always will be a team. We don’t “allow” each other to do things. We don’t “ask permission.” We don't even think of it like that. We just talk through things and we trust each other. We compromise.In a recent talk, we realized that in being a very strong “we’re in this together” team, we actually are more independent than if we weren’t, and it lets us be very laid back about a lot of things because we know we have each other’s back.
But there are challenges, right? There always are! We had some spectacular fights early on, even before we got married. It took us forever to really communicate well, especially about things where there was a conflict or disagreement. We had several moments where we had to really decide if we were going to stay in the relationship and commit to it. And we did. But even so, it took a while to really trust each other and work together well as a team.Of course, there are annoyances too. Jeremy dislikes that I'm always trying to arrive to things 20 minutes early and I dislike being late. He loves action, speed, taking risks, and I enjoy calm, quiet, relaxing things.
Laura, Are You Really Going to Talk About Enneagrams?? Bleh...
You probably know about Enneagrams. I find them interesting and think those types of personality tests are as useful as you make them. If they help you, great. If not, forget them. But I just think they’re interesting. So I looked into mine and Jeremy’s, and, no surprise to either of us, found out we’re Type 8 (him) and Type 1 (me). I think the Enneagram site calls that mix “the pirate and the teacher.”Here’s what the website says. (My thoughts on us below it)
What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
Enneagram Ones and Eights bring a common concern with fighting for truth and justice in their world. They both often feel (although in different ways and for different reasons) that it is up to them to stand against whatever they perceive as injustice or falseness. Both can see themselves as gallant crusaders protecting the weak, righting wrongs, and making the world a better place. In a relationship, these two types are both action-oriented, and if their attention and energy is turned toward social causes in particular, they can have a big effect on their family and their community, perhaps even their country or the world.
Both bring a certain nobility of vision and a focused purpose, practicality, and perseverance in supporting whatever they believe is right. Both are willing to sacrifice a great deal to do what they believe needs to be done. For both, fairness is centrally important. (Ones bring a sense of absolute or ideal truth and justice whereas Eights bring a more practical and immediate approach to these concepts.)
The combination can be very powerful (YES!): they accomplish things with a clear cut sense of purpose and personal mission. Both are decisive and direct, although Eights bring a passion and gusto that counterbalances the One's self-restraint and propriety. Ones can find Eights exciting, physical, and earthy-all the things that they restrain in themselves. Thus, there can be a strong attraction from both sides. Further, Eights recognize that Ones are as strong-willed and determined as they are: they cannot easily sway or bowl over Ones. (Laura note: This is super true for us and something Jeremy liked about me from the very beginning!) Eights thus admire their conviction and are attracted to the challenge of getting closer to Ones.
In many ways, these two types are opposites-the pirate and the schoolteacher-although both could learn a great deal from the other, if they are willing to listen to someone with such different values, reactions, and ways of doing things.
Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
What breaks Ones and Eights up is often the very thing that attracted them in the first place: how different they are from each other, like fire and ice. (Not like Game of Thrones... even in our worst moments we're better than that last season.)
This is a relatively rare romantic pairing 👀 it is easier for them to be friends or colleagues than to live intimately together. Both want to be in charge; both want to accomplish something significant, but they tend to disagree about the means to take. Ones tend to be self-controlled and restrained in their self-expressions and methods of doing things. They will deny themselves the pleasure of acting on their real desires and impulses if they are convinced that something they want is not right according to their moral convictions. While they may admire the brashness and roguishness of Eights and their apparent ease in going after whatever they want, Ones ultimately begin to draw a line if they see Eights going too far in the pursuit of their self-interest...
On the other hand, Eights see Ones as hypocrites who preach one thing publicly while doing the opposite privately. They see Ones as rigid, self-righteous, nitpicking, and utterly unrealistic about the way the world works. (LAURA NOTE: HAHAHAHA!)Eights often want to do more outrageous things just to provoke the morally judgmental One into apoplexy: both respond with anger before they will acknowledge hurt or fear. They can both get into rigid positions and feel that they cannot back down...
So You're a Pirate and a Schoolteacher. So What?
Ok so now how that applies. I relate to a lot about Type 1s. Jeremy has definitely pointed out when I’ve been a “stick in the mud” (HA!) and Jeremy can definitely go rogue as an 8 on a mission. BUT these tropes do not define us. I am not as rigid as the stereotype is described, and Jeremy is much more controlled and thoughtful than the stereotypical 8. He's also fiercely loyal and one of the most giving people I know. And I can be really cantankerous. Sometimes, I am the "pirate" and Jeremy is the "teacher." Especially as we grow and learn. So again, these are KIND OF helpful.And despite the things we struggle with or get annoyed with each other about, I really think we do this well. One of our close friends once told Jeremy *something like, "Laura is the only person you could ever marry. You two are perfect for each other." And that person wasn't the only one to say that. I definitely agree.
We do pick at each other all the time. But we are *usually careful about that. Of course we don't always hit the mark. But I remember someone telling me once, after they'd gotten to know us well, that when they first met us, they were concerned because they thought we fought all the time. UNTIL they realized we were joking and enjoyed it. And then they got "us"!
This is a quote that I love so I'll end with it:
“Within this Christian vision of marriage, here's what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say, "I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!” - Tim Keller
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