Utter Failures

So this is a departure from normal blogging style to just talk about medical tests for a minute. Because I've had a lot of them. You all know about my fibro diagnosis and that whole process. It involved like... seriously a billion tests. Seriously. And all were negative. Every. Single. One. Which is good -- don't get me wrong. It's good. I'm glad. But it's frustrating when the answer is always "nope, it's not that. *shrug." During that process, I had ultrasounds, cat scans, bloodwork, celiac tests, a colonoscopy, and even heart tests. Fibro is weird and the symptoms are all over the place, hence the randomness of the tests. Anyway, since then, I've had a lot more tests as other new things have come up. More heart tests (the echocardiogram is super cool, honestly), more bloodwork, and so on. Most recently, the doctor thought that, unrelated to any of that, my gallbladder was probably crapping out on me because I'm in my mid-30s and femal...

The past few weeks have been crazy! I haven’t blogged mainly because I just haven’t had time or energy to do it. I’ve been exhausted.  We went to DragonCon, which was a blast, but I had been having stomach pain for a few weeks off and on and had that kind of in the background. We got back in town and had to take Bastian for a quick ear check because he’s fighting a cold. I also got the cold. And then our water heater and dryer decided they would also be calling in sick.  Our wonderful kind friends helped us with drying clothes and warm showers/baths, which was such a gift. And both appliances were fixable, which saved us so much money. So glad Jeremy is good at fixing things! I mentioned in a Facebook post that when things break, I tend to throw in the towel. “Oh well, guess we’ll have to buy a new one. And remodel the house while we’re at it!” Jeremy just makes a trip to Home Depot, gets out his drill, and goes to work.  Anyway, that was the weekend after La...

This past week was a rough one. Bastian had a tooth coming in, which is always a fun time! After about a week of crankiness and runny nose, I decided to take him to check his ears for infection since he seems to get ear infections with every new tooth that comes in. And sure enough, he had a double ear infection, so we started antibiotics. On top of that, it turns out he also got a pretty bad cold, so he had a really terrible time last weekend and the first part of this week. We’re out of the weeds now, for the moment, but these are just some things I was thinking about over the past week or two. I get really out of sorts when the status quo is off. Like, my plans fall through, or one or both kids don’t sleep well, or my nice, relaxing weekend is suddenly sleep-deprived and full of sickness. Obviously that type of situation will affect you, but I can really get thrown off and impose my own crankiness on everyone else. It feels unfair. I’ve also noticed that I tend to place my hopes...

How many of you feel guilty when you say “no”? Or do you feel pressured to say “yes” to every offer or request? Or maybe you don’t like saying either, so you give a vague answer like “maybe” and secretly hope you can wiggle out of it later? It’s hard to set limits, both for ourselves and as we relate to other people. For one thing, we worry about what people will think of us if we tell them we either can’t or choose not to do something. So we say “yes” out of fear/guilt. On the other hand, if you’re a “yes” type and like to volunteer for lots of things, you can feel guilty about what other things take a hit from having to shuffle priorities. There’s a character in Bleak House named Mrs. Jellyby. While her household runs amok, she fastidiously writes letters related to setting up a mission for a tribe in Africa. Certainly a noble cause. But she ignores the needs around her and her current obligations, even as her children cry from neglect and her husband wears a hole in the wall f...

The walls I built up did not come down easily. They were effective for sure, and they kept out the pain I wanted to avoid, but they were deceptive. They were quietly betraying me. The problem with a wall is that, while it keeps out bad things, it also keeps out good things. When I told Jeremy back in 2006 that I was not interested in dating him, it was because of a wall intended to keep out heartbreak or being let down. When I decided that I would not care at all about anyone’s approval or opinions (e.g. emotionally “shut down”), it was because of a wall intended to keep out the pain of disapproval and not being “good enough.” When I kept friends at a distance, not letting anyone get too close, it was because of a wall intended to keep out people who might betray my trust or not come through for me. And as with a lot of things, what starts out as a good intention or idea, when not kept in check, turns into something that controls you in the end. There’s wisdom in...

A few days ago I came across something from a long, long time ago in a galaxy far away: a Tiffany charm. It reminded me of my very first trip to New York City when I was twenty years old. Gather round, children, and listen. It was New Years 2006, and I was a junior in college. A couple of my friends were going with a larger group of their friends to NYC for about 4 days over New Years. I had a couple connections, but the main connection to this group was a guy I had previously been dating but was no longer dating. Yeah, so... about that... We'll call him George. George and I had been friends since our freshman year and had admitted we were interested in each other toward the beginning of my junior year. He wasn't in college with me at the time but lived in the same city, so we saw each other and were "an item" or whatever. Fast forward a bit and he said he wanted to talk... bad sign. Anyway, it was the worst news you could get and things ended between us. That w...

It’s hard to write about certain things. When I was younger, I would let my emotions roll with the highs and lows. Good things are happening? Life's a breeze, and it’s wonderful to be alive! Things take a turn for the worse? Life is terrible, and I’m going to mope about it and probably write some emo poems. As I’ve grown, I can begin to see the ways He providentially allowed those more difficult times in my adolescence to show me my need for Him. This is an odd beginning to a story. Hang in there with me. All that to say, last month, God gave us a house. We celebrate six years of marriage on June 15th, and God gave us a house. Josh and I knew from the beginning that owning a house would be years down the road, but we made a decision to be thankful for whatever God provided. Well, at first, that was a little apartment in Alton, Texas. Look it up. You won’t be able to find it, but it’s in the Rio Grande Valley, and I loved it. It was our first place. For the first few month...